Another sleepless night

Its almost one o'clock in the morning, tossing and turning, and unable to sleep, I roll over and I can't help but look over on my nightable and see pictures of those that I love more then anything in the world. Not a day goes by that I don't think of these people. Not a moment of time goes by where I don't want to make sure that they know they are all loved. So I slowly roll out of bed, and check on two of them, my children, seeing them asleep in their beds, peacefully. I make sure that they are totally covered up, and then kiss them on the foreheads, and telling them I love them, before quietly stepping out of their room.

I head down the stairs and into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, and then grab a blanket and step onto the deck. Its cold outside, and my breath is leaving my body in a small cloud of steam. I look up in the sky and see the shimmering lights of the stars, and the moons illumination of the surrounding area, which brings a smile to my face. As again, I find myself thinking about those that I love. I think of my family and what they are doing right now, and pray that they are all doing ok, and will make it through all their dilemmas and circumstances. I then get this overpowering feeling of warmth, almost as if I have arms wrapped around me. I close my eyes, and I can see KDI standing right there on the deck with me, arms wrapped around me. The two of us looking up at the moon, and loving every moment we have with each other, and blessed that we are so close to each other. Reading each others minds, to the point where we can feel how the other one feels before they even do. We are always conscious of how the other might feel, and how to make them feel better. How just the simple gesture of arms wrapped around you make you feel whole. I see him holding my hand during the difficult times, calming me down during those really hard and challenging times, and then making me laugh when ever I am down. I can see him wiping my tears away, and never letting me feel alone. I can see him and I fifty years down the road, still happy, and just as much in love. He understands me, my need to have the emotional connection with someone , he accepts me for me, no matter how strange and bizarre it may seem. He knows that life isn't about what you leave behind when you die, but who, and how much that you loved them.

As a tear rolls down my cheek, I shake my head and think that this can't be possible, that this is my imagination playing tricks on me. That I just want this so bad, that I am making myself belief its true. So I look up in the sky and close my eyes again, and pray that I get to finally be with my true love soon. Again, I get this warm feeling that he is already right there. I finish my tea, and then step back into the house, and relock the door. I feel this intense aura telling me that we are safe, and that all is going to be ok. So I double check the locks on the doors and then place my empty cup on the counter, and then sit on the couch, and grab my laptop, to type. He is there with me, I can feel him kiss my cheek, and tell me that everything is going to be ok, that he loves me. I feel his arms around me, and his body close to mine. So as I type this entry I smile to myself knowing that it must be true, cause I can feel him, I know that he cares, and I know how he feels. The same as I do.

As the past comes back to bite me in the backside

As I found out today, something that happened over 15 years ago, seems to be the start of a long downhill decline, which was the superior reason for my final emotional fall. You know when you are a teenager, and something happens, you usually tend to rebel. That is your coping mechanism. However, as you get older, if you haven't dealt with it, it can actually be the cause of your problems. Here I was thinking that I was getting close to the "HUG-ME-JACKET" Hotel. I couldn't figure out why I felt guilty for everything, or why I had to make sure that whenever someone I love leaves my house, or I leave theirs, that I have to make sure they know that I love them, cause if something happens, you won't get another chance. Or why I had this strong desire to be loved by all. Well apparently it all boils down to the death of my father. At the time, I thought that I was ok with it, that I had dealt with it, and didn't want to talk about it. My family was all that I had left, but I felt the strong need to be loved by someone. There was a hole that was left, but his death shouldn't have impacted my life as bad as it has.

Until today I was ok with it, I had accepted it, and well now I find out that I had just pushed it away decided that I didn't want to deal with it, and now look at me. I am an emotional wreck. I blame myself for everything, I feel like it was my fault for his death, cause I was a teenager, who just wanted to be like every other teenager. I feel guilty for the things I said to him before he died, and to this day, still don't think he knows that I am sorry. I have only been able to go to his grave site once since he died, seven years ago. That bugs me. I keep relating his experience to my own, and well Sometimes it down right scares me. Apparently this is why I have chosen the guys that I have, because for some reason or another, they have reminded me of my dad, or they somehow filled the empty void, even if I really didn't like them. Sad isn't' it. When I think back, not one of them did I like for their looks, I went for them cause they liked me, they showed me attention. I have worked really hard to not have to make anyone mad at me or dislike me, and that was my button, they knew that if they pushed those buttons then they had me right where they wanted me.

If I could do one thing it would be finally learn that yes I am my fathers daughter, but that doesn't mean that I will end up like him, that doesn't mean that he isn't proud of me even for my screwups, and that sure as hell doesn't mean that I can't love someone for real. I think of all my ex's as I sit here, and shake my head, and think that if there was any way that I could rewind my life, or delete my memories of them, to be able to get over all the shit that they have caused, or the grieve, and the negative impacts, then maybe just maybe I would be able to stand up for myself when I need to, or be able to love someone without sabotaging it before it even starts.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that the Past really does end up biting you in the ass sooner or later. It always does, You many never know how, or when but it all ends up getting you. I regret not seeking help back then, and well I have seen the rest of that pick your own adventure series, and well I am not happy with it. So now I am seeking help, and maybe just maybe, things will be different, things will actually start looking up again.

Feeling a little lonely today..

I am going to ramble, so its going to be all over the place.

Today, started off as a regular day, took my son to the hospital for his chemo, and then sent some letters off in the mail. Got some gas, picked up a Hot apple cider, and then came home. While I sit here now, contemplating life (something that regularly comes up when I have spare time) I realize that even though I care deeply for KDI, I am still alone. He is always there on the other end of the internet, to make me laugh, smile, or just be grateful to call him my friend. However the other day, someone I know had someone close to them pass away, and it hit home I don't want to go through life alone, especially knowing that life can be taken away from you at any moment. Life is too short.

I don't want to not ever get a chance to hold, or be able to hug the one person who also believes in the same old ways as I do. Who actually understands my need to help others, who no matter what happens, always tries to make me feel loved, and that love can conquer anything. Right now I would love nothing more then to be in the arms of KDI, to have him hold me, and remind me of why we really keep pushing on in this screwed up world. No one seems to care anymore about anything that really matters. All I keep seeing is Scrooges, messed up children, adults on crack (or something similar) Men with their cat calling, and women with their clothes - UM shrinking, so to speak.

People have become Barbies and Kens of the world, plastic pieces so to speak. Is anything normal, or attainable? Of Course not, because of those rich S.O.B's who think they can make the perfect person by revamping your looks. Hell most of us have self esteem issues, you can't blame them on your imperfections but rather on society itself, as to what is considered perfect.

You wish someone a Merry Christmas, they say they aren't buying. People pushing and shoving, and miraculously the middle finger comes up quite a lot. I am guessing its the new trend for hello. Well frankly I am sick of how the children are treating their parents, or how teenagers now adays, will sit on a bus and make the 9 month pregnant woman stand, or the blind elderly man, with a cane stand on the bus. How elderly woman clutch on to their purses while crossing streets. How most people won't go out after dark for fear of something happening to them. How people aren't even safe in their homes anymore. What happened to saying hello to someone as you pass by them? What happened to the gentleness of parking lots, and shopping experiences?

what's the flipping purpose of bringing children into this screwed up world. Something I often ponder when wondering why I keep going. I was looking into adoption, just for curiosity sake (one day I might want to) and realized that almost all the children that are up for adoption, have some sort of alcohol or drug addiction passed on from their mother. What they hell, if you are going to have sex, or you find out you are pregnant FUCKING STOP THE SHIT. You may want to screw up your own life, fine, but don't do it to an innocent unborn child. Who gives you the flipping right to decided that as if life isn't difficult enough straight, but lets add some disease, or addiction to it. If you know you don't want the child, do your best to give the child the life it deserves, and then you can give him/her to someone who would do almost anything to have a child of their own. Since when did this world come so flupping self centered.

The only other person that I feel understands my need to make this world a better place, or some how bring something into the limelight, is KDI. He I think is my true soul mate, and yet, I can't even be within the same country border as him. He tries to help me see that even though these terrible things are going on, that their are a small number of people that do care, and believe in chivalry, and such. He is a true gentleman. So why the hell can't I find a way to be with him. Why the hell can't this be more accessible, and attainable. Why is it that we suffer through crappy, and useless relationships when we can have the dream? Well when I figure that out, and get to finally be with my Rock, then I will let you know. Until then,
I need to know that I am not the only one who isn't about to step on someone to get what we want, Who can actually help someone out without wanting anything in return, and anonymously.

I can only hope and wish that more people are out their like KDI and that you get to find your one true Soul Mate as well.

What is Next.....

Has anyone who makes the laws, really sat down and looked at what and where the future is leading us. It seems to me, that there is a law for every law, and then behind that there is a law. Now a days, people will sue anybody for anything they can possible get their hands on. Take the person who went to a drive thru coffee shop, orders a coffee, drives away and spills it on their lap, who then sues the coffee company for serving a hot item without warning. DA, I am blonde and even I know Coffee is hot, if not, they probably would have sued the coffee shop for serving cold coffee. With this said, I had recently purchased a slurpee from the local 7-11. Ok a slurpee, its cold, right, well as I was sipping on this, I saw in small writing on the side of the cup "May cause a Brainfreeze, Use Caution." I shmuck you not, the next time you are in a 7-11 take a look at the side of the slurpee cups. What is next, the milk cartoon is going to read "May be a hazard to open, spillage is possible" Or a pack of paper, will need the label "Caution, may cause papercuts, Extremely painful" Clothes should have labels put on them "Caution, may reflect your popularity status" Or when we are born should we be stamped "Upper Class, Middle Class, or Lower Class" A blonde baby, will be wearing a tag "May not be able to catch everything you say, use extreme caution" What about the toilet "Caution to be exercised while sitting, standing, and flushing Flooding may occur" Seriously now. What is next?????

Small Miracles

With the Christmas Season fast approaching I am starting to see the debts pile up, the stress approaching, the food getting sparse, and how I am not the only one going through this. I see some of my friends being evicted, trying to find jobs, but hitting dead ends, suffering to get through the cold season with no furnace, or heat of any kind. It seems like instead of having a merry Christmas, some people are dreading and apprehending the season.

The other day on the radio I heard how Two volunteers for the Salvation Army, were wanted for stealing over $500 from a coin collection station. They were volunteers designated to helping those less fortunate and they stole money from them. It kind of reminds me of Robin Hood's, Prince John, and people stealing from the poor to give to the rich.

I see all the local shopping malls, parking lots full of people shopping to get large, big packages for their loved ones. I see people driving by with large packages in their cars, all for their loved ones. That's great. That's dandy. But then they drive past a homeless person, (whom you can tell is cold), and drive past them as if they are dirt, poo on the bottom of your shoe. What has happened to this world. Why can't people while they are out buying these gifts, purchase some gloves, hats, jackets, Boots, and put them in the Salvation Army Sleigh, or volunteer a few hours to feed a homeless person at the shelter. Purchase a few toys for someone who isn't going to have something under their tree cause their parents are fighting just to survive. Add a few extra items to their grocery list, and put them in the food bank hamper as they walk out the door.

I am not rich, nor do I ever want to be, because I could never own a huge $500,000 dollar house, knowing that someone else is search the trash for something to eat. I could not own a $60,000 or more car, knowing that someone else has to walk with holes in their shoes back and forth to work. So what, if your buddies have a better home, a more expensive and exotic car. The pure satisfaction of knowing that you have helped someone even in a diminutive way, should be enough. You can't take you materials to your grave, and I am not thinking that someone is going to walk past the grave marker and say "Hey that man owned a porche" But, they might walk by and say "Hey I remember him/her, they were the ones who ever year helped someone celebrate Christmas, or donated everything they had to charity, or helped a "Specific Charity out" Life is not based on what you own, or how big and expensive it was, but rather on a more positive way, of how big your heart is.

When we are self are fighting to maintain milk and bread in the house, yet my children still managed to put what little they had into the Salvation Army Christmas Hamper collection cause they said that we still had a roof over our heads, and others looking for a warm meal did not. How when I was working every year at Christmas, they would buy something that they wanted really bad, and would then put it inside the Salvation Army Sleigh, for some other child to enjoy, not something that someone just through in their, but something that another human being would appreciate.

When my son is all better and I can get back on my feet, then I know that again, I will continue the True meaning of Christmas, Helping those less fortunate. Giving back to someone whose luck has run dry, or who just needs a helping hand, for life was a little more unfair then others. That I will be able to repay what someone has done for us.

I just wish that more people would help out, especially in this town, I see so many expensive homes, and rich people driving by, yet they don't blink an eye to help those less fortunate. Yes given not everyone asking needs it, but I am sure you could use your discretion, and you could figure it out, or look in your child's school and you are sure to find one or two families if not more, that are too proud to ask for help, but an anonymous drop off would be appreciated. One day, some how I am going to bring back Robin Hood and steal from the rich (winning the lottery) and give to the poor (charities, and donations).

One Day, Some How, I will prove that Small Miracles do exist.

Are you being yourself?

Recently I have had a few conversations with some friends, and we were talking about relationships. Yeah I know a regular girl conversation. However we had a coed group and I thought that maybe someone out there could use some of this information. There is my favorite quote, yes it may seem a little strange, but I belief in it, and I am teaching my boys to live by it.

BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, CAUSE THOSE THAT MIND, DON'T MATTER, AND THOSE THAT MATTER DON'T MIND By Dr. Seuss.

To me this Dr. Seuss is a genius. He takes simple things and turns them into funny rhymes or quotes for children, whom never get the underlying meaning. Children have so much that they can teach adults, but most adults refuse to take the time to listen to their children.

I know of so many people who try to impress their "catch" so to speak, that they loose themselves, or who they wanted to be. They push aside everything they like, or belief in to make someone else happy, forgetting about themselves, NOW... I am not saying that one should be selfish, just not loose themselves in the mean time. Being yourself benefits both parties

Take me for example, I was in a relationship where at first I was me, and as I started to meet some of his friends I started to think that I need to be like some of them to make him stay interested in me, or to make his friends like me, so I became what I thought he wanted me to be, them. Well in doing so, I lost me, I didn't talk to my friends anymore, or go out with them, I didn't do anything I liked, or wanted to. Well after a while it got to me, and when I tried to be me, all it did, was push my partner away. I wasn't me anymore, I wasn't what he had become to like either. I was suffocating, I was ready to explode, I wanted to say lets do this, or go here, or lets hang out with my friends for a change. Well I ended up loosing my relationship, can't ever go back, he was in love with a person who didn't exist.

If I can teach even one person, to be themselves no matter what, then I think that I did a good thing by posting this. If I can keep one relationship alive then I did a good thing by posting this. And if I learned one thing, that would be to never, ever stop being me, cause I already did that, and it hurt more then if I was just honest with myself to begin with.

IF you are meant to be together, then it will happen, (KDI, I am keeping my fingers crossed) if you are meant to stay together, then it takes work on both ends, don't give up cause the going gets tough, don't change to make things more interesting, be yourself, but find fun things to do together, and never forget what made you fall for each other to begin with. Make time for one another, and above all don't get jealous, a jealous person isn't a pretty sight.

If you don't trust the person, then maybe there is good reason, and you shouldn't be together. God knows I have had enough experiences to not trust someone (of both sexes). Well if you wait long enough eventually someone comes around to be worthy of your trust, I waited quite a long time and went through a few long term boyfriends to find my rock. I trust him with my whole heart, and since we don't life in the same country, Trust has become a big part of our lives. most woman.

I am not being sexist by far, just trying to say that there are a lot of people out there that don't deserve your trust, so don't be with them, and that people don't just get your trust given to them, they have to earn it, and keep it. Its not a one time deal, that deal is like your bank account, you can make deposits (trusting things) or make withdrawals (Untrusting things) but you only gain when you make a deposit. That intrest will only occure, if you keep depositing.

This doesn't just go for your sexual relationships, but also with your friends, a

Good friend, is one who knows everything about you, but likes you anyways. Author unknown

. So ask yourself this, "Are you truly being yourself, are you able to accomplish all that you want to accomplish, or is this person holding you back from being the most spectacular person, you could be.... YOURSELF?"

My Family

You know I have never really posted anything about my family on here since I started this, Heck just learned how to post pictures, and am still learning about links that sort of stuff. BLONDE OK, bare with me.

So anyways thought that today would be a good day to do that. My rock has helped me remember all the things that I am great full for in my life, inluding my family. Sure we have had some rough times, and well I don't have enough therapy to cover my whole family, but right now I am going to talk about my brothers and sister, and my mom and Step-Dad. No matter what we have done, or how bad we have screwed up, we are always there for each other. Take my mother for example, having four kids, to try and raise (three teenagers) when my dad passed away, was pretty tough on her, especially when we weren't exactly angels. And I am not being sarcastic, I know by far, I could have dealt with things way better then I did, and all of us made mistakes. Well I think she did a great job with what she had to deal with, and yet she never gave up on us, and is still always there for us now. She always tries to help us out when she can, even if its just to bug her at work. Which we seem to do ALOT. She always seems to have a positive attitude towards the situation, like no matter how bad you think it is, she "pulls a rabbit out of her ass" as she puts it, and makes it better. Mom you truly are the best, and I can only hope that I am half as good as you are. Congratulations, and thank you.

Well I wanted to dedicate this post to my family. SO MOM if you are reading this, I truly appreciate what you have done for us, especially for me lately, in helping out with my son's illness and trying to help keep me sain, and afloat. I don't think I say it enough, so Thank you. (although maybe you could stay up later, I seem to need you after 7 at night. lol)

To my sister. Well you don't really know it, or are you psychic? But I do believe some how you always seem to help me out, in the weirdest ways, but also in the most helpful. Down to helping with my school decisions, relationships, or helping me start the communication with my rock. I have always looked up to you (Ok down as you are shorter, and choose people shorter then you to date, OOMPALOOMPALAND) lmao. Cheers to you, and I hope you know that I am always going to be here for you, and you will always have a place to stay. You are the greatest little sister ever. OK and the boys' favorite aunt, but just you wait, little bro thinks he got the best gift for the boys this year. lol

My younger brother, well you are definitely, the most colorful, but I too, want to say thank you, for always lending me your hand when I needed it. I truly would like to one day be able to help you out as well. Sure we disagree with each other at times, but I am proud of you, for you accomplishments. Especially with the person you have become and the relationship you have become part of. I wish you all the best. And thanks again for not complaining about my whole light thing this year. lol. As for those cool roof climbing shoes you have. The boys wants some now, so they can climb roofs. lmao. You rock.

My older brother, well he became a husband and a father this year. Congratulations on that. I was worried that I couldn't make it, cause of my son's illness, but we found a way. Of course it was short notice, and I had to come up with a brilliant idea of decorating the reception hall, and their get away vehicle about three hours before the wedding. Pat me on the back, although was a hard task to do. I just wanted it to be the best for them. I think they appreciated it. The look on their face was priceless. lol anything I can do to help. Although we didn't really talk much or keep in touch much before his wedding, or baby, but since then I think we have a new fond connection. I think they will make awesome parents, and are doing a good job so far, congratulations again. I totally admire what you have been through, and have gone through. You followed your dreams, and met an amazing woman, who I am lucky enough to call my sister-in-law. I couldn't have picked a better person for you, and I tell everyone that. I seem to understand her, and she understands me, its great to have a new friend as well. I wish the three of you the best, and hope that you have everlasting love in your booming family.

Then there is my Step-dad, I don't think that anyone gives him enough credit. His kids sure don't, but to you, I do really appreciate all that you have done for us, all of us. You are always there to help us, when we are down, and you are always there to listen when we need an ear. I too think that we need to tell you that more often as well. You deserve at least that. I know things aren't quite where you wanted your life to be at the moment, but you have meant more to us, me and the boys, then you will ever know. I DO appreciate you, the boys appreciate you, and I know the others do as well. So Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, for coming into our lives, and making my mom happy once again.

SO in short, if you really think about your families, I am sure you can think of many flaws, or maybe a few, but have you ever really thanked them or just said "GUYS, I LOVE YOU" "Thanks for always being there". Well I try, and I still think that I don't do it enough. You guys are the greatest, and my boys are lucky to have you all in it. (They might disagree when you are mad at them though, trust me, they even get mad at me at times) But all in all, they have become part of quiet a loving family, even when we are tearing each others hair out. lmao. Cheers to you all.

Family Tree

Today I sat down with my sister-in-law and a quest. We were trying to figure out how our current family all came to be. We started way way way back when our ancestors first came across the Ocean to North America.

Deeper research brought to light that we came from a land called OOMPALOOMPALAND. The country was so isolated, and so very far away that seldom has anyone heard of it. Even today it cannot be found on a western map. (If you don't believe me, look it up on Map Quest)

Apparently our people had to hide quite often, so we lived in really big tree houses. They were quite posh; they came with their very own tree. One day a strange man, a very nice man I am told, arrived on our family treestep and invited them all to move to North America. He seemed quite trustworthy, but little did the family know they were about to do something they could possibly regret. 12 couragous and adventuresome kinsmen joined the foreign man on a viking ship and set sail for America. It wasn't all easy sailing. Even the smallest member of the family had to bail buckets of water out of the ship twice an hour. Their arms were tired, but it actually helped some of them in their future careers. In America they became Carpenters and Accountants. Often individuals awoke onboard covered in a glowing green slime. Not knowing much about sea travel, they wiped it off and went on with their routines. After a good long journey of about 3 months on the water (according to history this felt like much longer for those with motion sickness) and about 2888.22 miles of land, they settled in a small city.When they arrived in North America the family realized that they had all grown much larger, except for two - Droopy and MaDroop. It was concluded that because they were smallest onboard, and were sleeping in drawers due to space constraints, they were the only ones who had not been contaminated by the mysterious green substance. Most of the family were actually happy to be bigger and able do a whole lot more, so were excited to follow the really nice man to his workshop. He had so much chocolate at his shop that he encouraged them to eat as much as they could. Some more than others thought that was really cool. As the years passed they all ate and ate and ate, working for the man who wanted to be known as WONKA DENT. For many years they were coming up with different kinds of sweets that they wanted others to try. The family became unhappy and very suspicious as Wonka Dent became a very rich man selling these candies. One day they all got really sick, so WONKA DENT had them sit in his chair and open wide. HIS procedures caused much pain to their mouths that they finally decided to leave. As they were about to, Wonka Dent said that if they did leave they would have to return every six months for the rest of their lives or become once again deathly ill. The family multiplied, and several generations later I am too scared to try and leave.Some of us tried many different job opportunities, and we all started to realize that being tall and like the others in this country is kind of a bad thing. However, Droopy and MaDroop thought that staying the same size was bad as well. I guess we learned that WONKA DENT was right because even now we and our offspring are being subject to that killer chair.Even today, as we sit here researching and typing up our Family tree (not to mention eating a Chocolate Bar and munching on some Runts and Nerds), we realize that OH NO, our time has come again to make an appointment in the KILLER CHAIR. NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!

Well, well, I have heard of letting go for one night, to have fun with your friends. But I by far have the most interesting set of friends. Since I don't drink I was the designated driver, but lets just say that even though you don't drink, you can still be the life of the party. We had so much fun laughing, that all of our pictures turned out blurry, well ok most of them. Us girls were taking on guys at this punch bag game, and pool all night long. Of course, they were pretty upset when we refused to dance with them, and only with each other. But none the less even they had a few good laughs. We ran into a few guys friends of ours while we were out, and they added to the enjoyment. But for me, the best part is when KDI gave me a call, my wife (best friend) took the phone and they talked for abit, and then I had to let him go. I was harrased for most of the night, cause little old me, use to have a very bad view of men. But with KDI its different. So all my friends want to meet the all famous guy that won my heart. He was on my mind all night long.

There was a time when I danced with S, a friend of mine, she is kinda like a butch so to speak, but a blast. She had me spinning, flying, dipping, and beant back, almost touching the ground,I mean she was a killer then it kinda became a dirty dancing school lesson. She was good, and harsh, but it WAS ALL GOOD. Then one of my best friends and I danced, together, and as we were dancing by a friend of ours J, well we saw he was in trouble, he was looking at us with this help me look, so we went up to him and asked the girl if we could steal him away, she was alittle upset, but said yes, so we made him two step with the both of us, he was shocked to hear I hadn't had a drink, said that so far that night, I seemed to be the life of the party, Always cracking jokes, and making sure that no one was left out. You know he was right, BUt that is just me. It was the first time in a long time that I had been me. It felt good.

Well then we went to another club, usually its for older adults, but as I found out last night that has changed and has now become a club with younger people. Well it was pretty packed, so I left, couldn't chance getting sick (for my son) and well two of my friends, had just bought their beers, when I decided that it was too crowded, and so they gave their beers away and left with me, they are truly the most amazing friends that anyone could have. But as we were freezing our butts off waiting for everyone, I flipped open my phone to see the time, and realized that I had a text message from KDI, He couldn't have left a better message, at the best time for me to read it. He had me smiling for the rest of the night.

To finally make my rambling stop, well lets just say that, I love my kids don't get me wrong, but I think that in order to keep your sanity, you need to get out once in awhile. Just make sure you have friends like I do. Ones that help you get back to yourself, when you are lost. They are the best friends that one can have.

All I want for Christmas

As I sit here tonight, listening to Joe Diffe's "Wrap me in your love", looking out the window under the faint glow of the street lamp, I see a light twinkling of the snow that is falling. Although I wish that the snow wasn't on the ground, I do find it quite romantic and settling, almost mystical. Like maybe dreams really do come true. Although I haven't had an easy life, and well especially the last two years, I have found a way to see the stars through the clouds, and its all thanks to a stranger who lives far, far, away. Someone who has turned my life back around, and symbolically has brought me back to life.

I had felt my soul slip away, everything that I had ever believed in, or trusted turned out to be wrong. I see that Life is never what you wanted or expected, and I have never been selfish or have taken things for granted or so I thought. I always viewed myself as a kind. generous, compassionate, and gentle person.

Some people in their lives just want the perfect image, the one that the fairy tales talk about, and well I can honestly say that I too believed that. I have learned that man kind can be biased, deceitful, and while do anything for what they want. Putting money and materialistic objects or items above and beyond any true desireable things that matter.

Well about two years ago, I thought I had it all, I had two wonderful and healthy children, a great job, that allowed me to pick my son up from kindergarten and take him to his daycare, that allowed me to leave for a school concert, and gave me enough to give my children what they needed. I had a great house, nice furniture, a loving family, and great friends. Sure I was unsure of my relationship, but kept trying, Cause well When things go wrong, you don't give up. Well I was in for a sudden awakening.

My son was diagnosed with Acute Lymblastic Leukemia, My boyfriend at the time, and I split. I lost my job, I had to move, my car started to fall apart and my bank account slowly depleated. I found out how it felt to have the carpet pulled out from underneathe me. I had to do what I needed to do, to keep my son alive, which was constant trips back and forth to the Childrens hospital. I had to pull my son out of the school system and start home schooling him, I had to isolate us from people so as not to bring any infections, virus's, or colds into the house. I had to move to accomodate the budget, trying my hardest to make it work. I gave up my social life, as my life had now become a game of Russian Rullet with my sons life. I am not a gambler and this was something I hadn't planned on gamling ever. I was once a planner, could have shown you my plan for my whole life, and now I had to tear that book up because now everyday, was going to be based on what happens in the next five seconds, or minutes, or hours.

I didn't know who I was anymore, I was gone. I wasn't a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, or a daughter anymore I had become MOM. I didn't have time to think about me, to cry over things, or to really let things sink in. I had become emotionless, had no desires, no needs or wants. It was all about my kids. Which is great. I love them, but after a year and a half, all my emotions came crumbling down on me. I didn't see the point of putting my son through the pain, the sickness, the treatments, I didn't see the point of why I kept trying, I had hit rock bottom. My Soul had left my body. I became a robot. I would cry all day long, want to sleep all day and all night, but like a robot, got up feed the kids, flushed my sons feeding tube, emptied puke buckets, read books, cooked meals, did the laundry, went to bed, and did it all over again. After about three weeks, I knew I needed help. So I got medication and some talk therapy, all of which well helped a little, not as much as I needed but a little.

I had a talk with my Auntie, and between her and My boys they helped me realize that life isn't what we plan, or what we make of it, but how we deal with what we are given. Whether be good or bad, we have to decided how that is going to affect us. The one thing we can keep charge of is how we feel. You can never get into trouble for how you feel, its how you show it that makes the difference. So I decided that I would try and meet internet friends, people who I don't have to see, so I don't bring anything home to my son, but so I could have some adult conversations, have some me time. In doing so, I never would have expected what would happen next.

My girlfriend and I were looking at some pictures and found one that we both liked, it was a picture of a man, with a paticular background. My girlfriend looked at me and said thats him. He is your answer. He seems like he would be just like you, so I sent him a smile to see what was going to happen. I was pretty bitter towards men, and well wasn't thinking too positive at this moment, I thought most guys out there were only online for one reason, and one reason only, something which I wasn't going to give. So I shrugged it off, and didn't think too much of it. A few days later I had a message from him, and wrote him back. Although wasn't thinking anything of it, soon months had passed and we had wrote a ton of messages back and forth to each other. He became my rock. I found it so easy to talk to him, and found that he didn't run from my past but rather ran to me. He helped me get back on my feet, by making me think if new ways to accomplish what I had to do, to give me positive feed back on what I had to say, he made me laugh again, and smile, and gave me something to look forward to whether be with my kids or life in general. In a way I felt like he gave me my life back, he breathed life back into me. I applied into low income housing, and got in right away due to my sons condition, and our needs. I started to remember what it was that motivated me before, helping my son learn how to ride his bicycle without training wheels, I started to go for walks, and getting out a little more, reminded me that not everything was going to harm my son. I started to look forward to the day, and the next message, or next phone call. I looked forward to telling him all about what I did or showed the boys.

Although my internet friend disagrees, I have called him my rock. I don't want to think of what life would be without him. Although he lives far, far away, I feel connected to him. He understands me, he doesn't complain when I ramble, which as you can tell I do alot. He never judges me for how I feel, or what I say, only listens and offers suggestions. He has given my heart a new breath of fresh air, and opened feelings that I never thought were possible. He is my hero in his own little way. He may not be around when I need a hug, or just be held, but he is always there to listen and gives me his shoulder to cry on (OK his computer screen). We are countries apart, and a long plane ride away. But with the aid of the computer has given me new hope. Yes, I still worry about everything now, but he is working with me on that. lol

Being as the snow is so mystical, and so does this season. I have decided that my only Christmas wish this year, isn't something that can be bought, isn't something that can be returned. Doesn't come with a price tag, and Can never be replaced. All I wish for Christmas and the Holiday Season is to get to spend it with My family and friends. ALL OF THEM, that includes my rock, KDI.