All I want for Christmas

As I sit here tonight, listening to Joe Diffe's "Wrap me in your love", looking out the window under the faint glow of the street lamp, I see a light twinkling of the snow that is falling. Although I wish that the snow wasn't on the ground, I do find it quite romantic and settling, almost mystical. Like maybe dreams really do come true. Although I haven't had an easy life, and well especially the last two years, I have found a way to see the stars through the clouds, and its all thanks to a stranger who lives far, far, away. Someone who has turned my life back around, and symbolically has brought me back to life.

I had felt my soul slip away, everything that I had ever believed in, or trusted turned out to be wrong. I see that Life is never what you wanted or expected, and I have never been selfish or have taken things for granted or so I thought. I always viewed myself as a kind. generous, compassionate, and gentle person.

Some people in their lives just want the perfect image, the one that the fairy tales talk about, and well I can honestly say that I too believed that. I have learned that man kind can be biased, deceitful, and while do anything for what they want. Putting money and materialistic objects or items above and beyond any true desireable things that matter.

Well about two years ago, I thought I had it all, I had two wonderful and healthy children, a great job, that allowed me to pick my son up from kindergarten and take him to his daycare, that allowed me to leave for a school concert, and gave me enough to give my children what they needed. I had a great house, nice furniture, a loving family, and great friends. Sure I was unsure of my relationship, but kept trying, Cause well When things go wrong, you don't give up. Well I was in for a sudden awakening.

My son was diagnosed with Acute Lymblastic Leukemia, My boyfriend at the time, and I split. I lost my job, I had to move, my car started to fall apart and my bank account slowly depleated. I found out how it felt to have the carpet pulled out from underneathe me. I had to do what I needed to do, to keep my son alive, which was constant trips back and forth to the Childrens hospital. I had to pull my son out of the school system and start home schooling him, I had to isolate us from people so as not to bring any infections, virus's, or colds into the house. I had to move to accomodate the budget, trying my hardest to make it work. I gave up my social life, as my life had now become a game of Russian Rullet with my sons life. I am not a gambler and this was something I hadn't planned on gamling ever. I was once a planner, could have shown you my plan for my whole life, and now I had to tear that book up because now everyday, was going to be based on what happens in the next five seconds, or minutes, or hours.

I didn't know who I was anymore, I was gone. I wasn't a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, or a daughter anymore I had become MOM. I didn't have time to think about me, to cry over things, or to really let things sink in. I had become emotionless, had no desires, no needs or wants. It was all about my kids. Which is great. I love them, but after a year and a half, all my emotions came crumbling down on me. I didn't see the point of putting my son through the pain, the sickness, the treatments, I didn't see the point of why I kept trying, I had hit rock bottom. My Soul had left my body. I became a robot. I would cry all day long, want to sleep all day and all night, but like a robot, got up feed the kids, flushed my sons feeding tube, emptied puke buckets, read books, cooked meals, did the laundry, went to bed, and did it all over again. After about three weeks, I knew I needed help. So I got medication and some talk therapy, all of which well helped a little, not as much as I needed but a little.

I had a talk with my Auntie, and between her and My boys they helped me realize that life isn't what we plan, or what we make of it, but how we deal with what we are given. Whether be good or bad, we have to decided how that is going to affect us. The one thing we can keep charge of is how we feel. You can never get into trouble for how you feel, its how you show it that makes the difference. So I decided that I would try and meet internet friends, people who I don't have to see, so I don't bring anything home to my son, but so I could have some adult conversations, have some me time. In doing so, I never would have expected what would happen next.

My girlfriend and I were looking at some pictures and found one that we both liked, it was a picture of a man, with a paticular background. My girlfriend looked at me and said thats him. He is your answer. He seems like he would be just like you, so I sent him a smile to see what was going to happen. I was pretty bitter towards men, and well wasn't thinking too positive at this moment, I thought most guys out there were only online for one reason, and one reason only, something which I wasn't going to give. So I shrugged it off, and didn't think too much of it. A few days later I had a message from him, and wrote him back. Although wasn't thinking anything of it, soon months had passed and we had wrote a ton of messages back and forth to each other. He became my rock. I found it so easy to talk to him, and found that he didn't run from my past but rather ran to me. He helped me get back on my feet, by making me think if new ways to accomplish what I had to do, to give me positive feed back on what I had to say, he made me laugh again, and smile, and gave me something to look forward to whether be with my kids or life in general. In a way I felt like he gave me my life back, he breathed life back into me. I applied into low income housing, and got in right away due to my sons condition, and our needs. I started to remember what it was that motivated me before, helping my son learn how to ride his bicycle without training wheels, I started to go for walks, and getting out a little more, reminded me that not everything was going to harm my son. I started to look forward to the day, and the next message, or next phone call. I looked forward to telling him all about what I did or showed the boys.

Although my internet friend disagrees, I have called him my rock. I don't want to think of what life would be without him. Although he lives far, far away, I feel connected to him. He understands me, he doesn't complain when I ramble, which as you can tell I do alot. He never judges me for how I feel, or what I say, only listens and offers suggestions. He has given my heart a new breath of fresh air, and opened feelings that I never thought were possible. He is my hero in his own little way. He may not be around when I need a hug, or just be held, but he is always there to listen and gives me his shoulder to cry on (OK his computer screen). We are countries apart, and a long plane ride away. But with the aid of the computer has given me new hope. Yes, I still worry about everything now, but he is working with me on that. lol

Being as the snow is so mystical, and so does this season. I have decided that my only Christmas wish this year, isn't something that can be bought, isn't something that can be returned. Doesn't come with a price tag, and Can never be replaced. All I wish for Christmas and the Holiday Season is to get to spend it with My family and friends. ALL OF THEM, that includes my rock, KDI.