Its been awhile

Its been awhile since I posted anything, and I am sorry for that. Things have been interesting over the last few weeks. Tomorrow we leave for yet another round of Chemo for T. He is really upset at this, and I don't blame him one bit. He was telling me that he wants to throw up, and he wishes that he didn't have "This dumb cancer" as he puts it. I am trying to remain strong, cause I know that my attitude reflects him. That he gets all his strength from me, but I have not been what he needed.

I was scared for a bit there, that my depression was super bad again, I didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, and constantly thought that the despair that I was feeling, was never going to end. Yes I have met the man of my dreams, and I have custody of both my boys, but why was that not enough to pull me out of my funk. Everyday, it just felt like life was just waiting to die, or be killed. It didn't seem to have a real purpose. I tried to call my Aunt, but once I had her on the phone, I sensed that that wasn't the time. That I had to be strong. So we chit chatted for abit, and then said our goodbyes.

So I decided to try something different to help me this time. I thought about how no matter what my problems were, or what I didn't have, to watch the boys, and see how no matter what they could smile, and laugh. So I tried to join in with them. We all slept in the same bed, and made it like a camp out. We played Nintendo games, and we read books. Yes it still didn't help totally, but at least I knew that if anything bad did happen, we had those moments to get by. In doing this, I realized that yet again, my kids and KDI helped pull me out. I am not totally better, and yes I still cry and I am bitting my bottom lip as I type this now.

When I am with KDI, it feels so right. Yet when he isn't here, I miss him so much,and wonder if it will always be like this. I can't and won't take him from his family (kids, mom and dad), yet at the same time, I know that he and I belong together. I know that I probably wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for my screwed up past, but I need to find away to get over it, to stop letting it control me. But if it was simple things that would be easy. But when it has to do with your thought process its hard, cause thats how you are use to thinking. I know that I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I just want to be better. I want to feel normal. I want to be the way I was before. Happy, and full of life.

My counsellor says that I will feel better once we get back from Van, and I know that mom will be ok, and T will be ok, and figure out the next course of T's treatment. That I will be alot better, and feel more secure about the future, when KDI is in my arms again. I think she may be right. So I will chat when I get back. The best to all of you with your lives, and remember that as long as you have family and friends, you are never alone. Hold on to that. Cause they will always be your life line.