As the past comes back to bite me in the backside

As I found out today, something that happened over 15 years ago, seems to be the start of a long downhill decline, which was the superior reason for my final emotional fall. You know when you are a teenager, and something happens, you usually tend to rebel. That is your coping mechanism. However, as you get older, if you haven't dealt with it, it can actually be the cause of your problems. Here I was thinking that I was getting close to the "HUG-ME-JACKET" Hotel. I couldn't figure out why I felt guilty for everything, or why I had to make sure that whenever someone I love leaves my house, or I leave theirs, that I have to make sure they know that I love them, cause if something happens, you won't get another chance. Or why I had this strong desire to be loved by all. Well apparently it all boils down to the death of my father. At the time, I thought that I was ok with it, that I had dealt with it, and didn't want to talk about it. My family was all that I had left, but I felt the strong need to be loved by someone. There was a hole that was left, but his death shouldn't have impacted my life as bad as it has.

Until today I was ok with it, I had accepted it, and well now I find out that I had just pushed it away decided that I didn't want to deal with it, and now look at me. I am an emotional wreck. I blame myself for everything, I feel like it was my fault for his death, cause I was a teenager, who just wanted to be like every other teenager. I feel guilty for the things I said to him before he died, and to this day, still don't think he knows that I am sorry. I have only been able to go to his grave site once since he died, seven years ago. That bugs me. I keep relating his experience to my own, and well Sometimes it down right scares me. Apparently this is why I have chosen the guys that I have, because for some reason or another, they have reminded me of my dad, or they somehow filled the empty void, even if I really didn't like them. Sad isn't' it. When I think back, not one of them did I like for their looks, I went for them cause they liked me, they showed me attention. I have worked really hard to not have to make anyone mad at me or dislike me, and that was my button, they knew that if they pushed those buttons then they had me right where they wanted me.

If I could do one thing it would be finally learn that yes I am my fathers daughter, but that doesn't mean that I will end up like him, that doesn't mean that he isn't proud of me even for my screwups, and that sure as hell doesn't mean that I can't love someone for real. I think of all my ex's as I sit here, and shake my head, and think that if there was any way that I could rewind my life, or delete my memories of them, to be able to get over all the shit that they have caused, or the grieve, and the negative impacts, then maybe just maybe I would be able to stand up for myself when I need to, or be able to love someone without sabotaging it before it even starts.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that the Past really does end up biting you in the ass sooner or later. It always does, You many never know how, or when but it all ends up getting you. I regret not seeking help back then, and well I have seen the rest of that pick your own adventure series, and well I am not happy with it. So now I am seeking help, and maybe just maybe, things will be different, things will actually start looking up again.