Just when I thought things were going good!

Ok so lets see here. Life seems to have a funny way of throwing curve balls at someone when there life is too perfect, or should I say at least going good. About a week ago, when I thought things were starting to look up. I was blind sighted by a ball that would test my inner strength, my relationship, and my family.

Mr. T about a week ago, started to have some issues, revolving around his mentality of everything that was going on in his life. That, without giving too many details, took its toll on all of us. If it wasn't for my KDI I don't know what I would have done to get through it all. Although he thinks he didn't do too much. I think he is dead wrong. He was my rock, and well still is, he helped talk me through one of the most difficult times in my life, were yet again, I am shown prove that you need to be very careful who you trust. I put my trust into the doctors to help my son get better, and somehow, without saying too many details, discover that something they had me do, could have been the cause for the turmoil we were all going through now. Yet, they want me to trust them, when the have me do something else for them. I am needless to say, VERY SKEPTICAL.

Well it gets better today, KDI did something that almost made me cry. He went above and beyond anything that I had ever thought, and made Mr. T smile. To forget about his problem for just a few short minutes but none the less, that smile was like a million bucks. Today was hard, cause the doctors informed us that he can't be under any more stress, to really keep an eye on him, and to help him learn to cope with this new stresser for us all. That if we see him getting upset, or sad, or anything, to try and help him learn to get his mind off of it. Sort of like if you don't think then its all good. Well he was feeling down, and I made the mistake of telling him BD would be there around 2. Well boy wasn't I stupid. Yes it cheered him up. But I should know better. Definitely not one of my brightest ideas. For the next 6 and a half hours I had to listen to him ask where BD was, or why he didn't call or when he would be there. I didn't have the guts to tell him, that I should have known better.

During this time, I had one of the toughest things happen, he crashed, and it took me and a nurse 30 minutes to calm him down enough to where she thought she could leave the room. I was so scared, and felt useless. Like I didn't know whether I was helping or making it worse. I know I already blame myself for this, cause well genetics right, and such. But during this last week, I swear I have had more people try and pin this on me, then I know how to count. It seems like everyone doesn't want to accept responsibility for their screw up. Instead, lets blame the one person who really does give a shit on what happens. Someone who is already emotionally drained. I keep trying to not blame myself for their mistakes, but at the same time, I can't help but blame myself now. Anyway, So now I am mad, cause I well lied to my son, about this big surprise for him.

But, wait what should happen............After 8

You guessed it he showed up. Now its after visiting hours, and he barrels in like he owns the place, loud and obnoxious. Yeah, happens from time to time. Well within 20 minutes had Mr. T crying, and within 30 minutes had little C crying. NEW RECORD. So Mom steps in and tries to get T's mind off of it, to give him something else to do. But NO, come on BD can't seem to resist the urge to argue with me about this. Doing his damn bit to make T feel like a totally lower fellow if he was to do what his mother required. If the kids weren't in the room, I Would have pushed all my old thoughts about hitting a guy out the window, and DECKED HIM. As we are arguing, I am catching a whiff of his exhaling air. YUP, you guessed it, ALCOHOL. Ok, well I should have known better, for one its a Friday night, for two he is pretty cocky, and for three he picked a fight with me. Well within fifteen more minutes and a few other light disagreements, putting it nicely. He decides that he should go. YEAH THINK, you might miss the beer in your fridge. So what ever, let him go. As he is getting ready to leave, he must mustard up one more fight. And of course, "the what the fuck, you don't seem to know anything, if you don't know when they are going to release him" speech. DA WHEN HE IS BETTER.. I took a deep breath, and pictured his head rebounding off my knee. It put a little smile on my face.

Within in one minute of his walking out the door. Mr. T looks at me and says "Mom whenever I am around BD I feel like I have done something wrong, but I don't know what" Yeah not a good feeling. I tried to help him sort it out, but to no avail. I didn't want to tell him, its cause BD is a drunk, and could care less how you felt, and then tries to make it up to you when he is around, by being to rough and tough. Its all stupid, but I vowed to keep my opinions to myself and let the kids make up their own minds on what to do.

So As I sit here tonight, pondering everything that happened today, wondering when I am going to be able to fall asleep. Its after midnight, I have to be up by 6 to get to the hospital before Mr. T wakes up, and well I can tell my body is ready to explode. I am in a lot of pain, due to stress, and well I can't eat, Can't seem to sleep, and I am loosing my patience. I am ready to bite heads off, yet I have to remain perky and um alive, or yet again I will be blamed for Mr. T's condition.

Well before I sign off I just want to say to KDI that you are my rock, my hero. You have been a great support, and have shown me you are always planning on being by my side, and if that isn't possible that you are going to make sure that emotionally I am being looked after, and it finally feels good to know that I have your support. It means the world to me You mean the world to the three of us. Thank you so much. And Mom, I can't forget about you. Thank you so much for all the sacrifices you have made to help us out. You will never be forgotten, and I don't think I have said Thank you enough for all that you have done for us. SO thank you, you are by far the best mother that a girl could have. If it wasn't for you and KDI I don't think we could have made it this far. Thank you. KDI, you are the love of my life, and I can never thank you enough. Please know that you are an amazing person, and I am honored to have you in our lives, and to be a part of yours. Thank you.

Everyday you amaze me even more!!!

Tonight I had a very interesting night with my children. See for the last little while I have been pretty worried about Mr.T, as I was beginning to see signs of depression in him from his sickness. Well tonight they were confirmed. He told me some thing tonight that kinda misconbobulated me. He told me that he thought it would be better off if he died. I was unsure of how to deal with this, and well I felt the same way before KDI came into the picture. SO, what I did is I told him that he needs to think of all the good things in his life and of all the people that he loves, cause those are the reasons to keep going on (something close to what KDI kept telling me).

Well then he said something else that kinda caught me off guard. I was unsure of how to take it, never mind what to say to him. I told him since I was unable to help him that maybe he would like to talk to KDI, at first he was scared cause of Number 2 and what he has done in the past. Kinda makes me sick that my son has bottled it up so much. Anyways, I made the call and Mr. T talked to KDI. They talked for 40 minutes, and the smile that was on his face after they talked was amazing. He was telling me how he now understood why I loved KDI so much. That he knew that he could go to KDI and it melted my heart that he felt that way about KDI.

Missing YOU!

The last two weeks of my life has been the most amazing time of my life. I finally realized that my KDI was 100% everything I was looking for in a Friend, Mate, and Partner. I finally had the chance to witness first hand what it was like to be treated as an equal, not as someone to vent on. That if the combination of people are correct, that it doesn't matter what kind of a mood you are in, you will eventually be in a good mood. That together you can accomplish anything, that even if you do nothing at all, you can still have fun. I thought that the good parts of life were almost completely wiped out of my life. But KDI, wouldn't let me fall. Sure we have communicated over the net for a while, and yes we developed feelings for one another, but in person, I don't think I could have asked for anything close to the way it was when we were together. In person, he was so much more then ever expected. Life is hard enough on its own, but since I met KDI, and especially since I have seen him in person, I KNOW I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING, with him by my side. KDI, I love you, and I know that we were meant to be, we are two peas in a pod. Thank God from up above, for bringing you to me, when he did, and I will thank him everyday, from now on. YOU ARE THE BEST, YOU ARE MY ROCK, YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND