SO I had another doctors appointment today: and I realized that in a course of one hour my whole day would travel downhill fast.
So after talking to the doctor, she tells me pretty much the same thing I already knew, was just trying to not think of (one of my many bad habits), which then makes me break down, because I have to think about them. Its funny how everything in my life that I am trying to forget or leave in the past keeps coming back to haunt me, making it impossible to forget about them. I know, that is why I am seeing a counsellor and shrink, but it just makes no sense. The counsellor tells me to not think about them till I feel emotionally stable enough to think about them at the same time, I don't think anyone can ever be emotionally stable enough to deal with them. My shrink is telling me that we have to get to the root of the problem that way we have a better understanding as to why I am acting the way I am, fear, guilt, worthlesness, always blaming myself, which then just seems to add to my list of things I don't want to think about,then my doctor tells me all that I am experiencing now, are side effects, or long term effects, or caused by the shit that I am trying to forget about No wonder I feel or think I am going crazy. I know I am not suppose to say that I am, but I feel all messed up.
See for example. I have mood swings, usually set off by some really stupid little thing, that reminds me or makes me think of something in the past. Or I will be talking to someone and then I realize that I have upset them over something that happened in the past. Or I pull into a gas station to get gas, and see someone I want to forget about from my past. OR I go to have fun, and just so happen to be at the place where someone is that makes me think of the past. Why can't I just leave the past in the past. Why does it always have to come back up to bite me in the ass.
You are probably thinking where is she going with this. Ok lets go for example to my doctors appointment. Remember she has the test results back. First we talk about MR.T and how he is coping. He says that he is doing better, that they are still there but not as much. Doctors Diagnose him with OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Ok fine, I knew he had the anxiety and depression which go along with it, we can handle this. He seems to understand what it is, and we are just waiting for all the appointments to start happening to get it under way.
Now its moms turn. How is your mood. Actually pretty good, a few times during the day its a struggle, but most of the time not bad. Can't sleep worth shit, my back hurt, my stomach has the stupid pains back, and I find that I still feel nauseated alot, with cravings, and I want to eat alot all the time. Ok well: Remember I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety disorder, Depression,Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and Panic Disorder. Say that three times fast. (Only telling you in case you want to know what they mean I go through on a daily basis).
If you don't think I am a little screwed up, then Holy Crap, do I love you even more. All of these only took T's getting sick, and my realization that I was my own person, no one to answer to anymore, no one to have to obey, no one to be scared of anymore, not livng my life for someone else. I could wear what I want, eat what I want, make what I want, watch what I want, talk to whomever I wanted to. Kinda of like a person who is locked away and then gets freedom. Apparently after each bad thing that happened in my life, I tried to block it by adding another, and finally my body said "Hello we need some recovery time".
Well anyways, she procedes to tell me that: My mood is definately getting better which is a good sign, still have to deal with everything, but still getting better. I can't sleep cause of my back, worrying (all symptoms of my many illnesses) The reason my back hurts well is a given cause of Jack ass number one. So I again can almost see and feel the whole thing all over again, which I knew that was the reason, but still SHe says that its a slipped disk, caused by me not receiving proper medical attention at the time, DA he didn't want to go to jail. So physio will fix it, but it will keep happening unless I start taking better care of myself. Um Ok, like I am not. I would love nothing more for it to never happen again, and can't remember what it was the messed it up this last time. I don't body build, or move houses or anything. I do know my limits. But ok.
My stomach, well she has the test results they still are un sure if its endometriosis but since I have had them since the miscarriage they are wondering if they could be from a fibroid (benign growth) easily removed, but they are unsure as the results are all coming back negative. So since they are coming back negative there is nothing really that we can do except sit and wait, which i don't want to do either, or I can try a new form of Birth control which may make it better, or make it worse. So now I am thinking that this has to do with my Miscarriage. Something else I have never dealt with. Yeah I know the list keeps getting longer and longer. So ok, I have a decision to make here, but I will make it later. I am in no mood to be making a decision right now. I have had three hours of sleep, and I am in alot of pain.
On to why am I nasueated and craving, well we know I am not pregnant, but its apparently one of the side effects of my medication, so she gave me some other meds to counter those side effects. Get where I am going with this. I am a flipping drug store.
Well ok, so we now have all our answers, and I know that I have to use heat, and do certain physio moves, as I can't afford to go to physio or have someone look after the boys. Which is fine, I know what they are, she showed me. Still hursts but what ever. Ok so now all of us are in the car on the way home, I realize that I need gas, so I pull into one of the only gas stations with a full serve. (have the kids in the car,its easier then taking them out- for one they can't be around anyone sick, for two I am one of the 10% of the population who does not leave kids in the car, while running into a store) and who should get out of the car that is in front of me.......
My first so called relationship, I'd rather use one of my many mistakes, the jack ass who screwed up my back. He looked right at me, with this evil litle grin on his face, like he use to have all the time, and he just stared at me. So what do I do, well I would have liked to blow him up, but instead I turn the car back on and leave. I am such a pussy. Why does he still scare me. Why does he still have that stupid hold over me. You know what gets me most about him, is I worry that my kids are going to go to school with some kids whos parents are his friends, know what I am saying. Where he will go through my kids to get to me.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but its one of the reasons I want to move. But like certain people say I can't run from my problems. But all I could do the whole way home is remember everything that a-hole did. This isn't fair. I don't need this, I need to get better, not be reminded of all of it. Here I am trying to get over my past, and he shows up out of now where, or I drive past number two, which forces a downfall of effects, jain reaction of events, none of them to my advantage. Or number one pulls bullshit out of his head like hair. SO MUCH OF IT.
I feel like I have to be careful of what I say to who I say it to, cause everyone has issues, but
