I'M BACK

Well I got back yesterday from a very interesting trip to the Children's hospital. The oncology ward of the hospital has been redone and moved to a new area of the hospital. It is much better now, as there are less kids in the area of all the cancer patients with low immune systems. SO meaning, you actually get a seat when you are there for your four or more hour day, and you get a room, when recovering, where before you were just in front of the nurses, with all the others. My son is usually really worried and scared about his procedures, which is totally understandable. So I was prepared for some of his delay tactics. But this time we had a male nurse who had a gameboy ready. My son never talks to anyone, at this time, but as soon as the nurse mentioned game boy, He shouted "Which games do you have" and they had a little conversation while we were able to give him "his sleepy medicine" he laid down as soon as he got dizzy and we started.

Usually he talks through this procedure, stuff like "I won't be a bad kid again" "Why me" "Mommy I promise to be good" which is hard, since he doesn't have this cause of something he did. But this time it was different, The doctor was having a hard time inserting the needle, and had to do it a bit, and all, well my son started to come too, and was answering us, so the 185 pound nurse had to lay on him, to keep him from moving, and I had to try and calm him down. He was so scared, and he was crying, and it was probably the first time in the last few days, that I actually forgot about my problems. Amazing what a parent does for there kids.

My mom had her surgery and is doing ok, in alot of pain. But she is a fighter. I am so glad that she is ok, was pretty worried about her. On our trip her and I had alot of fun. We went for a few walks at night with the boys, and we laughed alot. She and I were texting KDI, we played a few tricks on him, and we had fun. She is amazing. I love her so much. I can honestly say we have a blast together.

Even staying in a one room room with two twin beds, for four of us. Two of which kick alot when they sleep. While we were there, at the building we were in they did a spa day for the parents and kids. I am so glad that my mom got me to go. It was fun doing stuff with her. I miss that. I am hoping now that she is living in the same town, and all that we will get more time together. She really has become my best female friend. With friends like her and KDI who needs others. They are perfect. MOM I LOVE YOU.

Well anyways we are home now, and I am feeling a little better, hoping that things stay good. I am hoping to do some rearranging of the rooms in my house. Only have a few more sleeps till my man comes home. I CAN"T WAIT.

Its been awhile

Its been awhile since I posted anything, and I am sorry for that. Things have been interesting over the last few weeks. Tomorrow we leave for yet another round of Chemo for T. He is really upset at this, and I don't blame him one bit. He was telling me that he wants to throw up, and he wishes that he didn't have "This dumb cancer" as he puts it. I am trying to remain strong, cause I know that my attitude reflects him. That he gets all his strength from me, but I have not been what he needed.

I was scared for a bit there, that my depression was super bad again, I didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, and constantly thought that the despair that I was feeling, was never going to end. Yes I have met the man of my dreams, and I have custody of both my boys, but why was that not enough to pull me out of my funk. Everyday, it just felt like life was just waiting to die, or be killed. It didn't seem to have a real purpose. I tried to call my Aunt, but once I had her on the phone, I sensed that that wasn't the time. That I had to be strong. So we chit chatted for abit, and then said our goodbyes.

So I decided to try something different to help me this time. I thought about how no matter what my problems were, or what I didn't have, to watch the boys, and see how no matter what they could smile, and laugh. So I tried to join in with them. We all slept in the same bed, and made it like a camp out. We played Nintendo games, and we read books. Yes it still didn't help totally, but at least I knew that if anything bad did happen, we had those moments to get by. In doing this, I realized that yet again, my kids and KDI helped pull me out. I am not totally better, and yes I still cry and I am bitting my bottom lip as I type this now.

When I am with KDI, it feels so right. Yet when he isn't here, I miss him so much,and wonder if it will always be like this. I can't and won't take him from his family (kids, mom and dad), yet at the same time, I know that he and I belong together. I know that I probably wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for my screwed up past, but I need to find away to get over it, to stop letting it control me. But if it was simple things that would be easy. But when it has to do with your thought process its hard, cause thats how you are use to thinking. I know that I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I just want to be better. I want to feel normal. I want to be the way I was before. Happy, and full of life.

My counsellor says that I will feel better once we get back from Van, and I know that mom will be ok, and T will be ok, and figure out the next course of T's treatment. That I will be alot better, and feel more secure about the future, when KDI is in my arms again. I think she may be right. So I will chat when I get back. The best to all of you with your lives, and remember that as long as you have family and friends, you are never alone. Hold on to that. Cause they will always be your life line.